Monthly Archives: June 2011

Sex Before Marriage? I Should Have Lied

If your mum is anything like my mum (strong-willed, dramatic and South Asian), there are some things you should probably hide until the time is right.

Unfortunately for me this realisation has come a little late.

L and I live together now (we’re not married) and there’s no point in hiding the obvious. But back when I was still living with my parents, I could have spared both mum and I two years of feeling hurt and betrayed if I’d just told one tiny white lie. “No mum, we’ve never slept together”.

I’ve always been honest with my mum. In the early days of my relationship with L, I was keen to share, hoping my openness would warm her up to the idea of us being together (in case you’re wondering, this strategy didn’t work). Clearly there were things I would never have told her. Usually these were things that left me feeling dirty and low myself – having a one night stand, for instance.

But making love to the guy I love, and having such intense feelings for each other the whole thing felt almost sacred? That to me was something to cherish. It was certainly not something I would ever deny when asked about, as if we were naughty kids doing the wrong thing. To hide it would have felt belittling and dismissive of our love.

Which is why, when I told mum the truth, and she hit the wall and basically implied I was a whore, I came out of the battle badly badly bruised. Yes, she apologised for saying it (after I didn’t speak to her for a couple of days), and now that L and I live together the issue barely rates a mention. All mum has said is, “Make sure you don’t get pregnant”. But the memory still stings. It was after this episode that I clammed up about L…avoided mentioning his name, stopped hinting that he and mum should try to get to know one another better. All I could think about was how my friends’ mums welcomed their partners with open arms (they didn’t all do this, but I wasn’t looking out for such reality checks at the time). And how my own mother, in contrast, had not only refused to be happy about my relationship, but had actually shot down my self esteem and selfishly turned the whole special thing around to make it be about her. How could she insist that my making love to my own partner is the ultimate betrayal? How is that logical? Or loving? Or anything else a mother is supposed to be?

And it’s not just with me either. She once found a packet of empty condoms in my brother’s room and went wild at him, replaying the betrayal script once again. (My suggestion that at least it was empty and at least he’s being responsible didn’t quite go down as I had intended).

It was after the fight with me that mum became explicitly anti-L. On some warped level of reality, she obviously did recognise the seriousness of the relationship, because she realised at this point that we were in it for the long haul. But the whole thing also allowed her to crystallise her objections, to turn our relationship into – out of the all the special things that it is – a personal attack against her!

I do understand that my mum has sacrificed a lot for her children. And I do understand that it must hurt so much when your kids act in an almost alien way, completely disregarding some of your most dear values. Just as it hurts me deeply when I feel mum has betrayed some of my dearest values – like the assumption that she would be happy for me when I found my long-term partner.

But hey, at least I was honest.

I wonder how mum would’ve reacted if I had approached my relationship with L the way most of my cousins have approach their relationships: by hiding them from their parents until they’re ready to get married or move in together. And then, in the case of monocultural relationships, asking for their parent’s permission and hey pronto, turning it into the perfect (self) arranged marriage. Everyone’s happy and no one’s asking questions.

I never grew up knowing my cousins or how they interacted with their South Asian parents (maybe if I had I’d be better equipped to handle my mum). But I do wonder: doesn’t it hurt to hide your relationship from your parents? Doesn’t it feel demeaning of your love? Maybe these cousins understand better than me what their parents can and cannot handle. And maybe they know better than to feel hurt by lack of parental understanding.

I’m not so sure sharpened cultural awareness would have made me less honest (and therefore more sensitive) with mum back then. There was definitely a stubborn assumption and expectation from my part that she would react just like all the other mothers I knew. Considering all these other mums were white, this was hardly a fair expectation and I don’t think it’s entirely mum’s fault I came out of it feeling so hurt and resentful. And anyway I’ve learnt my lesson. With cultural understanding has come a much less militant attitude towards honesty.

33 Comments

Filed under Arranged Marriage, Cultural Difference, Family Acceptance, Parents, South Asian Marriage

Meet the Parents

I’ve been wanting to write about my mum for ages now. Actually, I have been writing about my mum for ages. Just on everyone else’s blogs except my own. A shout-out to all those bloggers who’ve put up with my long, obsessive comments…I need to write to process things, and during the last few months it’s predominantly been my own things rather than genuinely responding to the thoughts of others. When people raise South Asian ‘issues’, to me it’s usually an opportunity to directly or indirectly think about South Asian culture (particularly gender) and try to come to an understanding of my own mother and why she acts so…well, just so damn impossible sometimes.

My mum is actively anti my relationship with L, a relationship which has been going for well over 3 years now. She wasn’t always like this. When I first told her about him, her reaction was generally positive. Or more accurately, it wasn’t overtly negative. She did ask “Is he Muslim?” with concern when she found out he’s black, but on the whole she managed to refrain from any other ignorant stereotypes (quite an achievement considering she’s not the world’s most politically correct person). She even stated that she would never wish for us to break up, because she would never wish such a painful experience on her own daughter.

Still, she was relatively cold to L during their first meeting…avoiding his eyes, showing little interest, and letting dad lead the conversation (this is a total role reversal for my parents – dad is usually the quite thoughtful one and mum the cheery social butterfly). Because I sensed this hostility from mum towards L, I gradually avoided bringing them together and even avoided speaking about him in front of her. My dad, fortunately, has always been gracious enough to ask how he’s going, but even then I would feel prickles from mum which would kill the conversation (although at that time she never said anything explicitly anti).

I guess from there I let it slip. Maybe if I’d been more insistent that they get to know each other from the beginning, she wouldn’t have such a hardline stance now. But at the time, my thoughts were, “it’s my life, he’s my partner, I don’t expect my mum to love the person I love, but I do expect her to just accept him”. Given the fact that my mum is constantly advising her nieces and nephews that “you should choose who marry, it doesn’t matter these days where they’re from”, and that both my parents have told me in the past that they don’t expect me to marry a South Asian since I’ve never actually lived in there, I certainly hadn’t expected her to launch a covert personal war on L a couple of years down the track.

She’s even genuinely happy and beaming when all these cousins in intercultural relationships get married and engaged and have babies, and I find this so bloody hurtful. In my eyes, by acting cold towards L she deliberately snubbed her chance to know him, and yet here she is celebrating everybody else’s love and future happiness.

After two years of pretending L doesn’t exist, mum launched her offensive a year and a half ago. All of a sudden, I’m betraying her by being in a relationship she doesn’t approve of. In her attempts to express her frustration and anxiety about our relationship, she’s pulled many strange things out of the woodworks. I’m with L only because I feel sorry him. L is with me only for my money, it’s obvious because I have family and support in Australia and he doesn’t (not sure how that relates to L being after money I don’t have…). By marrying out of the caste I am jeopardising the life-after-death of the whole family (even though we were screaming at each other at the time, this one had me laughing out loud…my parents never mentioned caste when I was growing up. As I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in South Asia I gained a fair idea of how the caste system works in my early 20s; my brother, who’s only left Australia twice in his life, doesn’t even know what caste our family would fall into). She once said it would be better if I was with a white guy who wouldn’t face the amount of racial discrimination that L does; what’s the point of them moving to Australia and battling all that racism when I’ll end up going through the same hardship anyway? (Because it makes total sense to discriminate against L on the basis that he’ll be discriminated against by others…).

Nothing she says is consistent or logical or rational. It all comes across as desperate and unreasonable. And as I’m not the world’s most patient person when it comes to petty racism and unfair personal attacks, it’s hard during our fights to maintain even a semblance of respect for each other. What hurts more than anything else is the fact that she feels betrayed – on such unreasonable grounds – yet doesn’t realise how betrayed I feel by her unequivocal rejection of my partner (though I’ve yelled about it often enough). Aren’t parents supposed to smile and celebrate when their kids meet the love of their lives? Instead of threatening them with emotional blackmail?

I should note that I have a dear friend who’s in a very similar situation to me. Except her mum isn’t South Asian, and my friend is not in an intercultural relationship (she’s Australian going out with an Australian). So having your mother unreasonably object to your relationship and refuse to engage with your partner (while being nice to everybody else’s partners, just to rub salt into the wound), is not just a South Asian thing. Seems to be more of a strong-willed, opinionated mother thing. But there’s no doubt that the way my mother formulates and expresses her objections is culturally-informed. And that my “mind your own business and just accept who I choose” attitude is culturally informed. As our personal battle of wills continues, guns blazing, it’s becoming painfully obvious to me that to my mum, minding her own business means…uhm, minding my business.

My parents will be visiting in a month’s time, and spending a week with me and L. I can’t speak for L (as I’ve never quite come clean to him about how intense mum can get), but I’m feeling a tad nervous about the whole thing. She would never say anything to his face, but we are planning to go out to a national park for a few days, and if L has to work it means being captive in the car to both our tempers whenever we have the L discussion. I guess it means dad will do most of the driving…

12 Comments

Filed under Cultural Difference, Family Acceptance, Interracial Relationships, Parents, Race, Racism